Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after
lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree…

Moral of the story:
B*ll Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field..

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Sunday morning… after breakfast…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. OK I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office But You too have to limit the use of the phone.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

All of them now in a state of shock and together they look at their maid who until now is patently listening to them.

Maid (un baffled): So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !

If a barber makes a mistake,
It’s a New Style

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a New Path

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a New Venture

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a New Generation

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a New Law

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a New Invention

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a New Fashion

If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a New Theory

If a boss makes a mistake,
It is a New Idea

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a Mistake Only

I guess you all know the old hare and tortoise story. Do take time to read this new version
Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was faster. They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a route and started off the race.

The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he’d sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race.

He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise plodding on overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ.

The hare woke up and realised that he’d lost the race. The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race.

And it continued….

The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some Defect Prevention (Root Cause Analysis). He realised that he’d lost the race only because he had been overconfident, careless and lax.

If he had not taken things for granted, there’s no way the tortoise could have beaten him. So he challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed. This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to finish. He won by several miles. The moral of the story. Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and steady.

It’s good to be slow and steady; but it’s better to be fast and reliable.

The story doesn’t end here.
The tortoise did some thinking this time, and realised that there’s no way he can beat the hare in a race the way it was currently formatted.

He thought for a while, and then challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route.

The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self-made commitment to be consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed until he came to a broad river.

The finishing line was a couple of kilometers on the other side of the river.

The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise trundled along, got into the river, swam to the opposite bank, continued walking and finished the race.

The moral of the story– First identify your core competency and then change the playing field to suit your core competency.

The story still doesn’t end

By now the hare and the tortoise had become pretty good friends and they did some thinking together. Both realised that the last race could have been run much better.

So they decided to do the last race again, but to run as a team this time.

They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the riverbank. There, the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on his back.

On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense of satisfaction than they’d felt earlier.

The moral of the story–It’s good to be individually brilliant and to have strong core competencies; but unless you’re able to work in a team and harness each other’s core you can’t get ahead in life which is more important than winning a single race.

Download PDF at following link

http://bestofmails.com/2009/10/hare-and-tortoise-story/

Nice to read

Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father : “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…OK”

Next Day
Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father : “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates : “Ah, in that case… OK”

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. ”
President : “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Father : “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President : “Ah, in that case… OK”

This is how business is done!!

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

PVNR is asked to spell ‘ INDIA ‘ and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell ‘ ENGLAND ‘ and he too passes.

It is Laloo’s turn and he is asked to spell ‘ CZECHOSLOVAKIA ‘.

Laloo protests that he doesn’t know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write ‘KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW’. He writes it easily and passes.

Advani is asked to write ‘BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN’. He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write ‘BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR…. .’

Tough one. He fails again.

Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren’t),he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

PVNR is asked: ‘When did India get Independence ?’. He replied ’1947′ and passed.

Advani is asked ‘How many people died during the independence struggle?’.

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.

Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It’s Laloo’s turn now.

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Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.

Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS

DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO

ESCAPE .

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.

On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says,

“Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”
So the eager senior manager shouted,

“I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.”

Pufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.” Pufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,

“I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm.”

MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

“ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST”

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, “I just need one copy.”

Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and
shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am”, replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically
correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything
you’ve delayed my trip even more.”
The man below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where
you’re going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems”