A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would
get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee, 475g It said: “Good till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the pack:

“Extra Long. King Size”

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another
week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with
shaky handwriting were the words “Air Pacific”

Mom took out her latest Fiji Living magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for AP.
The ad said:

“Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

Mom fainted!.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “Oh yeah, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat on the sofa….. naked!

Why do girls put red lipstick on their lips?
To indicate that it is a wrong hole to put in.
A man was carrying 3 babies in train, the lady sitting
next 2 him asked: are these ur babies?
Man: no, I work in a condom company & these are complaints.
A sex expert was once asked whether a rape is possible
while running. No, he replied: women can run faster
with her skirt up than a man with his pants down.
Policeman arrested a prostitute.
prost: I’m not selling sex.
Police: Then what r u doing?
Prost: I’m selling condoms & offering free demo
Touch it gently, Put your finger inside, if hole is
big, put three fingers, rub it up and down gently..
That’s the right way of wash the glass!
Whats the difference btween a microwave oven and a
woman? A microwave oven doesn’t scream when u put a
piece of meat in it.

Ek din ek lady shop se parrot kharidne gyi….

Usne dukandar se kaha vasim bhai ek tota chahaiye….

Dukandar ne use ek tota dikaya…

Lady ne pucha is tote ki khas bat kya hai vasim bhi…

Dukan dar bola ye tota bolta hai

Lady ne kaha acha..

Usne tote se pucha main tumhe kaisi lagti huin

“Bahen ki laudi randi lagti hai” tote ne kaha.

Lady ne kaha vasim bhi ye to bhut badtamij tota hai gali deta hai.

Vasim bhi use ander le gya aur pani me dubaya aur pucha…

Gali dega…

Tota. Hain dunga

Vasim ..phir dubaya aur pucha .gali dega”

Tota… hain dunga….

Vasim ne phir pani me dubaya aur kaha .gali dega..

Is bar tota man gya aur kaha nhi dunga bhi nhi dunga,,,,,

Vo use bahar le gya aur lady se kaha ye ab gali nhi dega..

Tab lady ne usse pucha …

Agr mere ghar pr mere sath ek aadmi aye to tum kya sochoge.

Tote ne kaha..ki tumhara pati hoga..

Lady..agr do aadmi aye to kya.

Tota.tumhara pati aur devar,

Lady.agr tin aadmi ..

Tota.tumhara pati ,devar,aur bhayiya.

Lady …agr char aadmi aye to…

Tota…..

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vasim bhai pani lao…

Maine to pehle hi kaha tha ki

“behen ki laudi randi hai”.

One of the frequent questions asked of students of psychology is:
“Please explain the chain between Provocation, Irritation, Aggravation and Frustration?

The following explains it in understandable terms:
One day Asif Ali ZARDARI, who has a business of selling Iron rods, was sitting in his office when he got a call.
Manmohan Singh : “SARIYA (Iron rod) HAI? ”
Asif Ali ZARDARI : “HAI.”
Manmohan Singh : “TOH APNI GAND ME DAL LE” and he disconnects the call
- this is Provocation

Again on the next day Asif Ali ZARDARI got a call…
Manmohan Singh : “SARIYA HAI ?”
Asif Ali ZARDARI (trying to be smart): “NAHI HAI”
Manmohan Singh : “GAND ME DAL LIA KYA ?” and he disconnects the  call
– this is Irritation

On the third day again Asif Ali ZARDARI got the call from Manmohan Singh…
Manmohan Singh : “SARIYA HAI?”
Asif Ali ZARDARI (trying to be over smart) : “HAI BHI OR NAHI BHI”
Manmohan Singh : “ANDER BAHAR KAR RAHA HAI KYA?” and he disconnects the call
– this is Aggravation

The next day Asif Ali ZARDARI thinks of taking revenge.. so he calls up Manmohan Singh.
Asif Ali ZARDARI : “SARIYA HAI KYA ?”
Manmohan Singh : “KYON? GAAND MEIN DALNA HAI KYA?”
– This is Frustration

Women’s Life is very Hard

Morning: Wash Clothes

Afternoon: Dry Clothes

Evening: Iron Clothes

Night: Remove Clothes

Mid Night: Search Clothes

………… ……… ……… ……… ……..

Whats the difference between Hook in Cricket and Hook of Bra?

One sends ball out of the boundary and Other keeps balls within the boundary.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……..

A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession.
Prostitute: I’m a social engineer.

Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections

………… ……… ……… ……… ……..

90 sal ke Buddhe Ne Viagra kharidi aur medical wale se puchha ‘Kaise Leni hai?’

Dukandar ne upar se niche tak dekha aur kaha: Tulsi Aur Gangajal ke Sath Lo.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher asked him a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good
memory. I don’t remember, what I chose.

2. A birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men
-’don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner,
you’d better have a good hand.

8. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

9. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

10. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.

11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

12. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’,
many men still sleep with their wives.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box .”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

=======================================================================

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
“You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied,
“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts….. ..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him……”Take me…. Young man… Take me!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, “April Fool!!”…And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!